This I Have Learned

"You can't ever reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving" - Paul Kalanithi 

If there is one thing I found in high school, it's solace. Solace in the repetitive yet familiar layout of every school day. Solace in the supportive friends who collectively stress over the same classes. Solace in the words of Paul Kalanithi.

As I first read When Breath Becomes Air, I thought that author Paul Kalanithi was literally just like me. Only, he wasn't. He was everything that I wanted to be. 

He was smart and successful. 

He was in my dream job.

He was rich (at least I think so, I mean which neurosurgeon isn't rich?).

But perhaps what I most admired about him was his sense of mastery over remotely everything. There was nothing that he couldn't do. While his escapades in the art (science) of medicine were very exciting as someone whose dreams were to always dabble in the field of biology, what I truly fell in love with was the depiction of the enlightenments he found along the way. Just like every fine surgeon, he gets caught up in the technicalities, hounding over the smallest of details that could help build his narrative. As you read his autobiography, you can tell that every word was carefully handpicked and wielded to form the moving yet objective tone of his book. Every word had its own purpose and never felt out of place. 

He was a genius.

Throughout high school, I have always struggled with the idea of perfection. I always felt the constant need to prove myself, although I don't know who quite to. Perhaps it really was to myself, to prove that I was capable of anything. I constantly found myself overworked, drowned in a sea of homework and clubs that, while I enjoyed, was definitely difficult to balance. There would be days when I would come home and just stare at my computer's screen for hours at a time until I quietly drifted to sleep still seated at my desk. These were the days when I would feel completely isolated from my friends, feeling like I was completely alone in these struggles.

It was exhausting. Just reading about Kalanithi made me face the perfectionist I so wanted to be. 

Or so I thought. 

If there's one thing I learned from reading Kalanithi's memoir, it's that the opposite was true: there is no such thing as perfection. Life is messy, and the only way to learn from it is to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Even the great Paul himself struggled to find where he truly fit in. He always wanted to find the answer to one simple question: what was it that made every individual life so special and worth living? He tries to find this in English, although he later finds that it lacks the practicality he's looking for. He then tries searching in the field of medicine, although he finds the objectivity to be a bit daunting.

While he was eventually able to find a compromise between the two vastly different fields, he showed me that failure was ok. It was ok to dive into something and realize it wasn't for me. While Kalanithi definitely did not live the perfect life by any standards, the setbacks he faced across the way shaped him into the wise, thoughtful being that he was by the time of his death. 

Pressure is what turned the lump of coal into the bright, shining diamond...

But perhaps the most important lesson I've learned from Kalanithi's work is to live every day to its fullest potential. Cherish the people around you before it becomes too late. While Paul may have passed away from cancer at just 37 years of age, all that he learned and accomplished, as well as the deep love he had towards English, his wife, and their newly born daughter, made his life one that was worth living. 

As high school finally winds to a finish, I wanted to use this as an opportunity to appreciate some of the people who have made my own life one worth living. I've known some of my friends ever since elementary school, and it'll be hard moving away from all of them, knowing that I'll never see some of them ever again (pray that not be the case). I truly feel terrible that I can't possibly shout out all the amazing people who have made such a profound impact on my life in just one small blogpost, but I just wanted to quickly shoutout some people from different classes. 

First of all, I would like to thank Mr. Srivatsav Bendi for being the kindest soul on this planet. Anyone who knows Sri knows what I'm talking about. He is one of the most thoughtful and considerate people I know, and lunch is never boring when we can have deep conversations ranging from space exploration to the future of artificial intelligence. One of my fondest memories from this year was when we had just finished setting up for the robotics competition and we were just waiting for our parents to come pick us up. We had a nice conversation about our favorite styles of libraries (and we both came to the consesus that Athens unfortunately has a better library than Troy High does) as well as our enthusiasm for film. I found it so cool one of your dreams was to own a vintage movie theater, which we both agreed has a much better atmosphere compared to the local AMC or MJR. I find it fascinating to listen to the diverse web of interests you have, and I genuinely believe the world would be a lot better place if everyone in the world thought the way you did. 

I would also like to thank Victoria for being a constant presence in my life. You're very funny and able to brighten so many different people's lives just by being who you are. You're also very supportive and ready to help anyone in need. Whenever I have any difficult thoughts or emotions related to various other stuff, I always find it very easy to talk with you about them and help piece together my own thoughts. You're also one of my greatest hypepeople, and it's just comforting to know that no matter what I do or where I go in the future, I'll always have one person to cheer me on. In addition, you're also very good at cutting open dead cats, and I feel like that might definitely be a useful skill to have in the future. 

Finally, I would like to thank Vishesh Verma for being a very inspirational figure. I met Vishesh when we were both in 7th grade, and something I've always admired about him is that he's never afraid to be his true self. While Troy High feels like a bubble sometimes, surrounded by the same type of people with the same exact mindsets, Vishesh's viewpoints on life always feel unique to just him. He's always told me that there's small things we can do everyday to help improve ourselves, and he always motivates me to try my 100% on whatever I'm doing. I've always been amazed at how dedicated you are to Quizbowl, as you create your own timetables and study patterns to help keep your team on track. 

But of course, how can I end my last ever blogpost without thanking the table that has made this the class I look forward to the most everyday. Aayush, I enjoy texting you about all the dumb crap that happens in my life and rant about whatever homework is due that day. You're definitely one of the funniest people in my life, and the memes you send never fail to make me laugh. For your own sanity, I hope that Rajasthan qualifies for the IPL playoffs next year. Kenny, I love how you're the life of our class and one of the stars of our TCMB Knudson Instagram page. You've definitely carried our table on some group activities, and your I ♥️ New York hoodie is the most iconic outfit of our class by far. Dervin, I'm always impressed that you're always able to say something in class everyday that makes Mrs. Knudson question her life choices. The class is absolutely hilarious with you in it, and I'll miss the daily stories about what happened in your other classes that same day. Eric, I always find it fun to argue with you about soccer. While it may be true that Arsenal might have bottled the league, at least we're qualifying for the Champion's League next year 🤣. In all seriousness, I find it really cool that you're moving to a completely new country for college and hope you have a great time and meet a lot of new people at Japan! And last but certainly not least, I appreciate Sanjit for always being Sanjit. I've always admired how talented you are at math and especially chemistry, and you are definitely the least insane person at this table. Also, you're a literal track demon and definitely the fastest person I've ever seen with my two eyes. Best of luck at regionals and hope you guys qualify for states 🤞.

Whenever I get stuck in a negative mental space, I oftentimes find it difficult to think about all the people and things that I'm grateful for. In a bittersweet way, I'm glad that this is the blogpost I get to end high school with because whenever I feel like I'm drowning in life, I know I can always turn back to this post to help me remember all the people who help me love the life I live.

This I have learned.