It was club picture day last Tuesday, and here I was, waiting next to the main staircase with the rest of my Science Olympiad team. Right behind us, there was the wall with all the sticky notes written by our students in support of Oxford. With nothing else better to do, my friends and I decided to take a look through each of them. Obviously, most of them were beautifully written. The thought and effort put into these were palpable. There were nice, cute doodles on some of them, words of unison and love on others; some even wrote entire poems! However, there was one sticky note that kind of rubbed me off in the wrong way. There was one sticky note, smack dab in the center, that said, "what doesn't kill you, can only make you stronger."
Now as soon as I first saw that, I began to think about how that saying seemed a little tone deaf in this context. Personally, I don't think I would use that phrase to reassure the survivors of one of America's most horrific tragedies. However, as I've had some time to sit down and think about the intricacies of this phrase, I wanted to see what part exactly of this saying left me unsettled. I mean, this quote is about as old as time itself, so obviously many people seem to resonate with it. It's been used in many sources of media as "motivation." After all, Friedrich Nietzsche told us this in 1888. 2pac told us this in 1996. Kanye West told us this in 2007. Kelly Clarkson told us this in 2011.
I feel like my problem with this saying is simply with the way that it's stated. It feels like a minimization of one's problems. It's like telling someone that their problems aren't large enough to actually be "problems" if they don't feel threatened by it. It also feels like you're telling someone that they should simply get over their problems because it will end up "making them stronger" by the end. In a way, the saying reminds me of "grit talks," speeches about how you simply need to work harder in order to reach the results you strive for. I had a discussion with a friend once about these types of talks, and she was telling me that instead of feeling inspiring as they were meant to be, they were, in reality, unhelpful, as they tend to devalue the individual and give off the demeaning tone of "everyone else is doing it, why can't you?" I feel like "what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger" just comes off in a similar way as well.
I also feel like the meaning of the quote depends on who exactly is saying it. I do feel like if you're saying it to yourself, it does feel a bit inspirational. However, if someone else says it to you, it simply feels like they don't think much of your problems, and that you should be fine because you will eventually become "much stronger" because of it.
It feels almost like a microaggression.
"Hey Jim, my mom died a few days ago."
"Oh it's ok Anne, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger."
Now, before I finish this blog post, I'd just like to preface that this post wasn't meant to dog on the anonymous writer of that sticky note. I'm sure he meant in the best of intentions, and if other people find that saying to be motivational for moving on, then that's absolutely great and more power to them. I was just stating why I feel that it's inappropriate to use that quote, especially when applied to a situation as grave as Oxford.
I agree with you, “grit talks” feel ridiculing or undermining instead of motivating and inspiring, especially in this instance, since the subject of the sticky note is a life-changing traumatic event.
ReplyDeleteI like your section about grit talks feeling demotivating. Sometimes, people just need some encouragement and a little bit a time to rest, instead of the thought that they must be doing something wrong if they cannot accomplish what everyone else is doing. However, I genuinely feel as if whoever wrote that note did not do so with good intentions, but rather as a cruel joke. It's a common saying, and I think whoever wrote it meant it as a sarcastic remark, not realizing the realness of the situation. Nevertheless, remarks that are often used as encouragement and motivation can sometimes only bog people down.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you write about your thought process when looking at that sticky note. I liked the section about "grit talk" speeches and how they may have the opposite effccts they intially intended on having. Sometimes we all need to be a little more conscious on the affects of our use of language. Great Job!
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